the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.