the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.