The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
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HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam