@slooberbie One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
@AngryRaccoon2 The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
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@slooberbie 
@neiltyson Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
@SatiricalMommy At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
@realrossnoble Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
@mommajessiec My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
@murrman5 [to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
@lawyerthoughts Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
@BlindChow “You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
@dulcetry Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
@CulturedRuffian Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.