The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time