The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered