The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
what the
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.