The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Not all heroes wear capes…