The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.