The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
See..?
.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
good let them take over I have had enough