The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
The struggle is real
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
do horses think humans are hats
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
This meeting could have been a cake
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
#milo
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.