The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.