The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person