The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
You Might Also Like
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”