The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.