The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.