The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils