The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*