The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

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See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.


A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”


BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess


ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave


NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers


People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.


I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.


Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!


All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.