@FetishBitch

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

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@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@Cheeseboy22

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

@dafloydsta

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

@5hael

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

@JasonIsbell

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

@thatdutchperson

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

@wendchymes

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.