The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
181.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.