The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!