@FlyoverJoel

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

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@bridger_w

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

@tastefactory

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

@OBiiieeee

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

@ohheyitskel

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

@daemonic3

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

@LlamaInaTux

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses