The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
you stereotypes are all alike
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
TODAY
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one