The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.