“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky