*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*

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Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”


[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?


One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week


More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon


Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.


Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard