*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My patronus is a cheeseburger
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Breaking news:
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay