The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
best first i’ve ever seen
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
But is it really??
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”