The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.