the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY