The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.