The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
You Might Also Like
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Accurate