The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful