The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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Salad is the decaf of food.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls