The Friday File.
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.