“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
You Might Also Like
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!