The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You Might Also Like
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread