The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
It do be feeling this way.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game