The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I already tried new things thanks.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.