The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.