the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
this country is so goddamn polarized
why no one uses midhusbands
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Fixed this for Shakespeare
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.