The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
You Might Also Like
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”