the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick