The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.