@VaguelyFunnyDan

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

You Might Also Like

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@galiamango

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

@YesThatAmy

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

@Thuggedraccoon

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

@noog

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@UnFitz

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast