The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
You Might Also Like
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost