@adamgreattweet
@FloodyHippie A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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@FloodyHippie 
@BlackCatBettie My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
@thepunningman Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
@JasonLastname Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
@Carbosly Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
@kimtopher22 The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
@markydoodoo GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
@bogadafet Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
@MrSpoonicorn “can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
@JElvisWeinstein I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.