the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
favorite tropes as memes
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.