The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
A friend helps you before you need it
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.