The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.