The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
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Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut