The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Good morning, Twitter x
me after drinking all the wine:
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken