The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.