The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is