the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”