The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.